Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
