sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
