My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.