I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.