I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
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Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
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Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time