Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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