I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We named our party play list daddy issues
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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