Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
