I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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