I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
