I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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