apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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