I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
