I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The ass gains better be worth it
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