My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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