I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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