Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
