New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
