when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
