So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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