hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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