I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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