just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
