just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Even the bartender felt bad for me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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