some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
