guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
