Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
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Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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