While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
