I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
