Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
