According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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