I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
