im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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