2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
