first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
