At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
