I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
