plz talk dirty to me
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
