Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.