Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night