I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
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it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home