Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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