You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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