if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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