I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
