I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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