Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
