does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
