The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
