His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
