I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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