The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
