i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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