puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
