Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
