The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
