somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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