Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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