I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
