i wish peter jackson would direct porn
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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