The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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