I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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