You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
