I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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