remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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