FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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