I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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