How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
