So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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