Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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